ALEC

He is my dream come true.

For so many years i’ve been lookin for a guy like him.

The feeling i felt that day was unforgettable. 1/21/12

       Before we stood on that stage, we prayed, and as we did tears came out of nowhere. I am very happy that time. I finally found him. The guy who will sing with me. Alec shared the same feelings. Both of us almost cried.

He is my first boyfriend.

and

I AM SO LUCKY I FOUND HIM :)).

My little brother Alex (7 moths old).

Yes, he is my BROTHER. LOL

It’s my crown he is wearing. :P

(Source: eignasantos)

shereenahmed:

I wasn’t in the frame of mind to put in writing of all this yesterday and I’m not certain I could cease this up right now without bawling myself to perpetuity. 

Whenever a smirk frames my face (to smile is too much to ask for, been bare faced since yesterday)…

His warm smile re-emerges in my head and my heart sinks to a free-fall overpowering the nature of gravity.

To have no one around me who knew him personally, no one to truthfully endure what I’m feeling… let me tell you, it is a dreadful fixation to undergo so I have to act as if I am not in this hopeless despondency. 

I run to my closet and whimper, trying to hear the harmony in his tone.

Why is it when he lived, I could hear his voice in a repetitive manner yet now that I dreadfully strive to summon up his words- nothing. 

If I am feeling this way, I cannot even imagine what his family is going through right now. I could go on and on about the affection he had for his Filipino family; he never once spoke ill of them to me. He anticipated the Christmas and New Years, and the birthday celebrations in that cozy apartment.

I remember when I first met him as a 10 or 11 year old little girl who fancied nothing but Disney Princesses, I always assumed he was four years older than I was just because he looked it, especially with his then nerdy eyeglasses that made him resemble Harry Potter.

We weren’t fond of each other; he was, after all the older brother of my then best-friend, his sister, Aysha- you can only imagine how annoying and bratty I found him. Whenever I would try to call Aysha’s phone, he would pick up and say she wasn’t there though she was and hang up.

I think the only joint craze we then shared was the devotion for fried food: chicken nuggets, to name one of them.

By no means did it cross my psyche that years afterward, we would structure camaraderie. And oh what a remarkable, humor-filled, anomalous friendship it was.

The everyday and every night texting and bbming turned into phone calls till sunrise, then eventually meeting up in person as we hadn’t seen each other in years. Awkward but simple. We still always teased and poked one another with silly gags, it was a way of expressing affection, I guess.

I lament not sparing a morsel of time when he was here last July-August. He went to lengths just to get my phone number here in the Philippines and I paid him no attention.

We had so many plans, so many.

Walk around a shopping mall, see a cheesy romantic-comedy film, and pose like silly lovers in photo booths to mock the Korean soap operas. Visit Enchanted Kingdom, Star City- become the tourists we thrived to be.

Whenever I would enlighten him about the passion for Koreans and their language that I instilled, he would ask for me to teach him phrases and he would memorize them by heart; he took interest in the little things I cared for and that petty action of his, means so much.

I would wake up to “Annyeonghaseo’s” in the afternoons and go to bed with his “Saranghae’s “.

There is going to be a gap in my heart forever, I lost the boy without witnessing his transition to a man.

Could write a book about the words we exchanged, the promises and the dreams we had; the plain vision he had laid out for his future but it would never be enough. He would call me out on being shallow which I admit I am, at times.

“I would love a girl for who she is and would disregard whatever baggage she carries with her”, not the precise variety of words he would use but he meant it in that sense.

Gradually, I began to fall for that charm but I stopped myself and I know he did too, we kept reminding each other that it was better to just “stay friends” and eliminate the hurt. We were both in that phase of our lives where having fun and being young was a choice and we paved no road for deep, serious commitments.

But I can’t help visualizing what might have become of my future with him, my Harry Potter.

A boy in exterior- a gentleman deep down, one who sought after a fair profession as an accountant in a bank, to go home to a loving wife who would make him scrumptious biryani and receive hugs by his two children- a son and his “little princess”.

I told him I dreamed of departing this earth alone with all my possessions and without a family. He knew a part of me didn’t want that at all.

“I’ll have my children go to your mansion and ask you for money every Eid,” he said with a smile.

He would have been a great husband and an admirable father.

He would have been the smartest at employment; he would have been on every cover of every newspaper.  

And he would have been the disc jockey he so willingly wished to be.

 

I want to talk to him, take a look at my phone and there his name and number; want to call and ask about his day

In my dream he said his death wasn’t factual, that it was set up by someone. Bliss enthralled my nerves for a minute but even in my dream, I knew he was gone and that he only said that to put me to sleep.

Going back to Bahrain isn’t going to be the same without you, Jakey.

Who’s going to call me “Sherry Bear?”

Who’s going to be the super egotistical boy restlessly making my every day memorable?

Who’s going to claim to kick a boy’s butt if he ever hurt me?

I haven’t had any liquid form to sip… Haven’t had food to consume for almost two days now and it doesn’t even bother me. I can’t think of anything but you.

I don’t want to let go, Yaqoob.

But I know sooner or later, I have to.

 

He left us at eighteen
Never to be seen again
The way his eyes gleamed
Never to gleam again

He left us at eighteen
I thought he was the one
But that thought’s forever limited
No more pokes at fun

Foolishly-

His youth surrendered
a kiss on the cheek
the boy complained, is that all?
When an ego the size of a country

Came to a fall

There was this boy I once knew
and all we will ever be… is a memory.

 

Rest in peace, Jakeybear.  10-27-93 /12-23-11

I cried at this :’((